a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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