you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
