he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
