I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
