I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
