hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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