I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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