her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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