I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
handjob tips. give me some.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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