went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
