from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
