my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
