Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
