just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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