she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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