my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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