you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
