Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
