I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
