You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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