he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
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