checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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