I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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