All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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