We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
