finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize