the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
