I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
