i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize