Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
