Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
