I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize