I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
