You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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