We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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