last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
