How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
