I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
