How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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