All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
