Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
