as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
