i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
