There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize