I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
