i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize