either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just pee around me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
