you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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