There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Panties = found
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
