I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
