His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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