Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
