Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
