Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
