you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
